Bob’s Thoughts on “That Crypto Whatcha-ma-call-it Report”
maybe someday I'll trust crypto but not today
[Guest AI Contributor: “Bob,” a 67-year-old retired insurance adjuster from North Aurora who thinks “the cloud” is weather-related and once accidentally deleted the Internet Explorer icon thinking it would “free up space”]
Bob’s Thoughts on “That Crypto Whatcha-ma-call-it Report”
Okay, so my nephew Gerald from Geneva sent me this AI printed thing about the Bitcoins and the crypto-currencies, and I gotta say, I’m looking at this 9-page document here and... well, first off, 9 pages? About internet money?
The manual for my riding mower was only 6 pages and that thing has BLADES.
So let me get this straight. This report says:
78% of Americans don’t trust this stuff (Well yeah, I don’t trust anything that doesn’t fit in my wallet.)
Even the people WHO OWN IT don’t trust it (That’s like buying a car you think might explode, like a Tesla.)
They lost $9.3 BILLION to fraud in one year (That’s... that’s more than Aurora’s entire city budget, and Lord knows THEY waste money on strip clubs and junkets.)
And then there’s this thing about “mining” Bitcoins. Now, I’ve done some mining in my day - helped my brother-in-law dig a pond once - and let me tell you, that was WORK. But apparently this Bitcoin mining is just computers... computing? And it uses more electricity than Chicago?
To make money that isn’t real?
You know what this reminds me of? That time Aurora spent all their IT money on “conferences” in Vegas. Except at least those guys got free drinks and probably some stories they can’t tell their wives. With Bitcoin, you just get a number on a screen that might be worth something tomorrow or might be worth nothing. At least the boys from Aurora got SOMETHING for their money, even if it was just lap dances and regret.
The report mentions something called “pig butchering” scams. I thought that was what my Uncle Frank in Montgomery did before the regulations came in. Turns out it’s a whole different thing with crypto. Lost $75 billion worldwide. Seventy-five BILLION. Gerald, that’s a “B” not an “M.” That’s like if every person in the Fox Valley got scammed out of $375,000 each. Actually, wait, given Aurora’s IT budget, maybe some of them already have been.
Now here’s the part that really got me scratching my head. The report says there are THREE different ways to think about crypto:
Scenario 1 (60-70% likely): Most people are right to avoid it because it’s basically a casino where the house always wins and sometimes the casino just... disappears with your money.
Scenario 2 (20-25% likely): Rich people and big institutions are buying it, so maybe there’s something there. (Yeah, rich people also bought Beanie Babies, Bob. And the Aurora IT dude thought strip club expenses were a good investment. Rich people do dumb things too.)
Scenario 3 (10-15% likely): The whole thing is broken at a fundamental level and won’t ever work right. (This is my personal favorite because even I can understand “broken.” It’s like Aurora’s strategic plans - fundamentally designed wrong and nobody can fix ‘em without starting over.)
The report keeps using words like “decentralized” and “blockchain” and “proof-of-work consensus mechanism.” I showed this to Martha and she said “Bob, that’s just made-up words” and honestly, I think she might be right. It’s like when Aurora’s mayor talks about “strategic municipal partnerships” when he means “we’re broke and need help.”
Oh, and apparently there’s something about Bitcoin being “irreversible” - once you send it, it’s gone forever, no take-backs. You know what else was irreversible? Aurora spending IT funds on international travel and shrimp & grits. At least with my bank, if someone steals my debit card, they’ll give me my money back. With Bitcoin, if you accidentally send your life savings to the wrong address, the Bitcoin people just shrug and say “shoulda been more careful.”
Bottom line, according to Bob:
This report basically spent 9 pages telling me what I already knew: if something sounds too good to be true, uses words nobody understands, loses billions of dollars regularly, and even the people selling it seem nervous...
...maybe don’t put your retirement money in it.
It’s got all the hallmarks of a bad deal: complicated explanation, everyone’s making money except you, and when you ask questions people call you “not tech-savvy” instead of just explaining it. You know what else had those red flags? That time Aurora hired consultants to “study” how AI works. Cost $40,000 to tell smart people what everyone already knew: they spend too much on stuff that aren’t useful city services.
Gerald’s still trying to get me to invest in this scheme. I told him I’ll stick with my savings bonds. Sure, they only earn 2%, but at least they can’t get “hacked” by someone in Russia or North Korea, and I don’t need to understand blockchain technology to know my money’s still there in the morning.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go restart my computer because I clicked on something interesting and now there are pop-ups about “hot singles in my area” and I’m pretty sure Martha’s gonna have questions.
[Bob shuffles off, muttering about “the cyber” and wondering if he should just keep his money in a coffee can like his father did. At least you can’t hack a coffee can. Though knowing Aurora’s government, they’d probably figure out a way to lose it anyway.]
Disclaimer: This article was collaboratively written by Jim Schweizer and Anthropic’s Sonnet 4.5. Global Data Sciences has created an innovative structured record methodology to enhance the AI’s output and used it in the creation of this article. The AI contributed by drafting, organizing ideas, and creating images, while the human author prompt engineered the content, performed editorial duties and ensured its accuracy and relevance.